Things I Wish You Knew About Grief

1. Don't be afraid to ask questions. I don't mind telling my story. In fact, it's called "Debriefing" and being able to tell the story is part of the healing process. It won't upset me if you ask questions.

2. No, you don't know how I feel. Losing your grandparents (Or whichever relative) is not the same as losing your brother. And losing someone is not the same as losing Bryan. I'm not saying my grief is worse or better than your grief, I am just saying they are different. Don't try to compare them.

3. Don't be scared to talk to me just because you don't know what to say. You can say "I'm sorry about your brother" or "that sucks." Those are the two best things to say to me.

4. Acknowledge it. Bryan died. It happened. Pretending it didn't is actually harder on me. Then I spend the entire conversation wondering if you know or not. It's such a huge part of me right now that I feel like you are ignoring who I am. It would be like ignoring the fact that you just had a baby or you just got your degree, etc. If you don't know what to say, please see #3. We don't have to have a long conversation about it, but we do have to acknowledge it.

5. Saying things like "it killed me" or "I just about died on the spot" doesn't bug me. It doesn't suddenly remind me that Bryan died. Don't panic about that. Saying Drunk Drivers are terrible people or talking about car accidents like they are no big deal does bug me. *Side note: Drunk Drivers are not bad people. Everyone has a little bad and good in them. Drunk Drivers are just people like you and me who made a bad decision. We make bad decisions frequently, we're just lucky we didn't die from them.

6. Grief wears you out. Not in a depressed way (although depression is a part of grief). Grief wears you out in that it takes at least twice as much effort to walk into work or process a thought or make yourself a meal. So yes, I need a lot of sleep right now. I take at least one nap a day. Normally a power nap does wonders but sometimes I need more.

7. There are good days and there are bad days. You don't get to pick what kind of day you are going to have. Somethings that shouldn't be upsetting are, and some things that should be upsetting are not. Bad days are becoming fewer and farther in between, but they still come.

8. I don't want to get trashed on my birthday. I don't want to see other people get so trashed that they black out. I don't want to hear about how trashed you got last night. I drink still, I just don't see the need to get that drunk every single night. I'm not into alcoholics.

9. Panic Attacks are a part of the grief. They come for no reason at all and have physical symptoms. Your heart rate speeds up and your eyes well up and you have a hard time breathing and you are completely lost. You have no idea what you should be doing you just know you're miserable. Don't say things like "I just about had a panic attack" unless you REALLY actually know what one feels like. They suck. And after you make it through to the other side, sleep is inevitable. Surviving panic attacks completely drains you of every drop of energy.

10. If you have a friend or loved one grieving, check out On Grief and Grieving by Elizabeth Kubler-Ross. It explains things better than I can explain them even. Very smart woman.

Bucket List

Bryan's death has definately changed my view on life. As cheesy as it sounds, that whole "life is short" attitude is a part of my grief. I want to do as many new things as possible, experience the things Bry never got to do.

So here's my bucket list:

-Learn to surf
-Take a cruise
-Get married to the love of my life
-Visit Europe
-Ride in a hot air balloon
-Ride in a helicopter
-Have at least one kid and adopt at least one kid
-Run in (and complete!) a marathon
-Participate in the Breast Cancer 3 Day (LOVE YOU JOANN!)
-Sky Dive
-Ride a mechanical bull
-See the circus
-Ride the train somewhere
-Volunteer with Habitat for Humanity
-See an opera
-Visit Antarctica
-Be on The Price is Right
-Visit NYC (Ground Zero/Statue of Liberty/etc)
-Be hypnotized
-Go geocatching
-Doctorate (Maybe)
-See EVERY James Bond Movie ever made


Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming "WOW! WHAT A RIDE!"

*Cool things that I have all ready marked off my bucket list:
-Move somewhere where you know no one
-Be in a movie
-Master's Degree
-White Water Rafting
-Get a meaningful tattoo
-Send a secret to PostSecret
-Donate Blood
-Project 365 (in the process anyway)
-Learn to ski
-Bachelor's Degree
-Break a Guinness World Record
-Visit Las Vegas
-Visit Hawaii