Things I Wish You Knew About Grief

1. Don't be afraid to ask questions. I don't mind telling my story. In fact, it's called "Debriefing" and being able to tell the story is part of the healing process. It won't upset me if you ask questions.

2. No, you don't know how I feel. Losing your grandparents (Or whichever relative) is not the same as losing your brother. And losing someone is not the same as losing Bryan. I'm not saying my grief is worse or better than your grief, I am just saying they are different. Don't try to compare them.

3. Don't be scared to talk to me just because you don't know what to say. You can say "I'm sorry about your brother" or "that sucks." Those are the two best things to say to me.

4. Acknowledge it. Bryan died. It happened. Pretending it didn't is actually harder on me. Then I spend the entire conversation wondering if you know or not. It's such a huge part of me right now that I feel like you are ignoring who I am. It would be like ignoring the fact that you just had a baby or you just got your degree, etc. If you don't know what to say, please see #3. We don't have to have a long conversation about it, but we do have to acknowledge it.

5. Saying things like "it killed me" or "I just about died on the spot" doesn't bug me. It doesn't suddenly remind me that Bryan died. Don't panic about that. Saying Drunk Drivers are terrible people or talking about car accidents like they are no big deal does bug me. *Side note: Drunk Drivers are not bad people. Everyone has a little bad and good in them. Drunk Drivers are just people like you and me who made a bad decision. We make bad decisions frequently, we're just lucky we didn't die from them.

6. Grief wears you out. Not in a depressed way (although depression is a part of grief). Grief wears you out in that it takes at least twice as much effort to walk into work or process a thought or make yourself a meal. So yes, I need a lot of sleep right now. I take at least one nap a day. Normally a power nap does wonders but sometimes I need more.

7. There are good days and there are bad days. You don't get to pick what kind of day you are going to have. Somethings that shouldn't be upsetting are, and some things that should be upsetting are not. Bad days are becoming fewer and farther in between, but they still come.

8. I don't want to get trashed on my birthday. I don't want to see other people get so trashed that they black out. I don't want to hear about how trashed you got last night. I drink still, I just don't see the need to get that drunk every single night. I'm not into alcoholics.

9. Panic Attacks are a part of the grief. They come for no reason at all and have physical symptoms. Your heart rate speeds up and your eyes well up and you have a hard time breathing and you are completely lost. You have no idea what you should be doing you just know you're miserable. Don't say things like "I just about had a panic attack" unless you REALLY actually know what one feels like. They suck. And after you make it through to the other side, sleep is inevitable. Surviving panic attacks completely drains you of every drop of energy.

10. If you have a friend or loved one grieving, check out On Grief and Grieving by Elizabeth Kubler-Ross. It explains things better than I can explain them even. Very smart woman.

Bucket List

Bryan's death has definately changed my view on life. As cheesy as it sounds, that whole "life is short" attitude is a part of my grief. I want to do as many new things as possible, experience the things Bry never got to do.

So here's my bucket list:

-Learn to surf
-Take a cruise
-Get married to the love of my life
-Visit Europe
-Ride in a hot air balloon
-Ride in a helicopter
-Have at least one kid and adopt at least one kid
-Run in (and complete!) a marathon
-Participate in the Breast Cancer 3 Day (LOVE YOU JOANN!)
-Sky Dive
-Ride a mechanical bull
-See the circus
-Ride the train somewhere
-Volunteer with Habitat for Humanity
-See an opera
-Visit Antarctica
-Be on The Price is Right
-Visit NYC (Ground Zero/Statue of Liberty/etc)
-Be hypnotized
-Go geocatching
-Doctorate (Maybe)
-See EVERY James Bond Movie ever made


Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming "WOW! WHAT A RIDE!"

*Cool things that I have all ready marked off my bucket list:
-Move somewhere where you know no one
-Be in a movie
-Master's Degree
-White Water Rafting
-Get a meaningful tattoo
-Send a secret to PostSecret
-Donate Blood
-Project 365 (in the process anyway)
-Learn to ski
-Bachelor's Degree
-Break a Guinness World Record
-Visit Las Vegas
-Visit Hawaii

Leadership Style

From the Meyers-Briggs Test:

EXTROVERT- outgoing, gregarious, expansive, many social relationships, expressive, congenial, public mixer, mingler at parties, easily begins new relationships, discusses everything with everyone, loves to be in the midst of things, works ideas out with other's input talks, enjoys being the center of attention, objective, reality = immediate environment, easy to read, seeks interactions, enjoys groups, act/speak before thinks, expends energy, focuses outward, talkative, likes variety and action, thinks out loud, enjoys discussing

INTUITIVE- energy focused on what could be possibly, potential, focus on the future, conceptual, imaginative and inspired, focus on the big picture, insights/ideas/inferences/hunches, abstract information, a love for new ideas, anticipation fo future events, seeks inspiration, in the clouds, inventor, initiator, often restless, original, turns building for the future into an art, strong appreciation of initiative, entrepreneur, learns new skills, speculative, trust imagination and hunches, tend to want to try something new; face life expectantly, craving inspiration, very independent of physical surroundings

FEELER- caring, compassionate, tender, warm, forgive, appreciate, include, understand, caress, extenuating circumstances, sentimental, tactful (Not so sure about this one but I WISH!), has difficulty remaining business-like, friendly, sympathize, cherish, decide with heart, value relationships, can be seen as overemotional, usually take things personally, value harmony, mercy; values sentiment above logic, interested in people more than things

JUDGER- comfortable after decision is made, sets fixed goals and concentrates on achieving them, ordered, seeks closure, enjoys having projects framed by definite deadlines, planned, structured, loves to reach completion, finish projects, prefers knowing what they are getting into ahead of time, steady, sustained effort, decisive, protect from unplanned, do the right thing, clear-cut, final

From DiSC training:
high I
strengths as a team member- are available to others, inspire others, spread enthusiasm and positive attitude towards others, give positive feedback to colleagues

strengths as a manager- have an open door policy, give your time to those you direct, deliver negative feedback in a positive way

Dimensions of behavior- entertains a lot, likes gourmet food, has latest kitchen gadgets but doesn't use them, attracted to fancy packaging (so true!), wants to know what all of friends are cooking for dinner

Getting on a busy elevator- says "Always room for one more, Come in, you're going to be late! We'll wait for you"

Shopping for groceries - tells you where everything is in the store whether you ask or not

On the golf course - spends more time talking in the clubhouse than actually on the course

Hanging wallpaper- has the paste and paper in the closet; it's on a list of things to do (They never get around to it)

Ask for something on their desk- says "I'm busy right now, give me a few minutes and I'll get back to you." They don't know where it is but they won't admit it.

Emphasis is on shaping the environment by influencing or persuading others. ((INFLUENCE))

Perfectionist Pattern- influences others by attention to detail/accuracy, controls quality is conscientious of and maintains standards, fears antagonism

Promoter Pattern- is willing to accept others, goal is approval and popularity, judges others by verbal skills, influences others through praise/opportunities/favors, promotes projects and people, relieves tension, overuses praise/optimism, fears loss of social acceptance and self worth, would increase effectiveness through emotional control


Both of these were taken over a semester ago. I wonder if they have changed any since then.

Spring Break

Spring Break was awesome... I can now check all these things off my NH TDL:

-Tour of Annheiser Busch Brewery in Merrimack, NH
-Tour of Ben and Jerry's Plant in Stowe, Vermont
-Visit the Vonn Trapp Family Lodge in Stowe
-The Christa McAuliffe Space museum in Concord, NH
-Finding the Make Way for Duckling statue in Boston
-Walked through Paul Revere's House
-Had brunch at The New England Center
-Had breakfast at The Big Bean
-Whooped Mom and Toons at Bananagrams

I also played on both Hampton and Rye beaches with Teri and Mom, walked Freedom Trail, went to Kelly's Pub, toured Fenway, wandered Portsmouth, drank Green Beer, wandered Quincy Market Place, ate at the Cheers Bar, and a couple of other things I've all ready done.

I love the life of a Graduate Student!

4 weeks until NIRSA and 5 weeks till Gram and Co. visit!

Lyrics

Just rocked out to this song the other day...

I'm so tired of being here
Suppressed by all my childish fears
And if you have to leave
I wish that you would just leave
'Cause your presence still lingers here
And it won't leave me alone

These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase

When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have
All of me

You used to captivate me
By your resonating light
Now I'm bound by the life you left behind
Your face it haunts
My once pleasant dreams
Your voice it chased away
All the sanity in me

These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase

When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have
All of me

I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone
But though you're still with me
I've been alone all along

When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have
All of me



So here's to Bryan, my anytime friend; the kid who held my hand when my heart was broken; the kid who cried on my shoulder when things got rough; the best brother a girl could ever ask for!

Twisted Minds

The following conversation occurred via text message over the course of this past weekend and I thought it would be a wonderful thing to share... Teri and I have twisted minds and when I am not feeling well or upset, I can be quite uncensored.

K: Why do little girls like Tinker Bell? She's a jealous little bitch who gives away Peter's hideout... haha
T: Well that is cheerful
K: No, really, why isn't she considered one of the bad guys?
T: Because she is Tinker Bell ((Sound logic, Toons))
K: Haha OK I guess. I was going to call you last night but I forget what about
T: Well if you remember then you can call later ((such a sweet sister! Please note, I probably couldn't call then because she has many biker buddies and was quite possibly busy entertaining them. This probably her reason for lack of response to the next couple of texts.))
K: I am dropping out of school. I all ready have a degree I don't need a second one. But you have to keep going cause you don't have one yet.
K: Robin Hood is kind of mean, too. He calls Little John fat. That's kind of mean.
K: We are teaching kids terrible things with Disney movies
T: ((FINALLY)) What? Not to be fat?
K: To call our friends fat and steal from rich people just cause they have more than us. And to give up our best friends' secret hiding places.
K: And now Robin Hood called Little John dumb. Great lesson for kids!
T: True though
K: You are terrible. Terrible Teri.
T: I think you are digging a little too deep. It is a kids movie. Feeling a little bitter today, are we?
K: Yes.
T: Well probably also true
T: Somehow I can live with that
...
K: Can you please move to NH? I liked it better when we lived near each other and can take care of each other when we are sick.
T: Are you sick?
K: I am sick. This is a bitch. Like Tinkerbell...haha
T: I like Tinker Bell, bitch or not.
K: I have decided that Peter Pan is a man whore.
T: Come to think of it, peter is a bit of a man whore. Tinker Bell, Wendy, and indian princess girl. He is busy, isn't he?
K: And the mermaids! He's a complete man whore!
T: Oh yeah! I forgot about the mermaids. And there are several of them.
K: Exactly! And the runway scene from Rescuers has a naked woman in the background. I am never letting my kids watch Disney movies.
T: Oh goody! That means when you send them to my house they will get to watch things like Black Hawk Down. That is the only kind of movie I really have other than Disney. And Lord of the Rings ((Can I interject and say WHAT A NERD?!))
K: That is it! My kids are going to be the weird kids whose parents never let them watch TV at all. Gram grew up with out TV and she turned out all right. haha
T: That is a matter of opinion. They can be book lovers like me.
K: That is a good plan! It's decided!

This is why we got unlimited text messaging: so B and T and I could have stupid conversations like this!

P.S. I just want to be clear. My kids are not going to be weird like the home school kids in the beginning of Mean Girls who think God invented the shot gun to hunt TRex and Gay ppl. They're just going to not be allowed to watch a ton of TV.

Old People Playground

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20100210/ap_on_he_me/eu_britain_over60s_playground

What a neat idea! I bet it would make a great Thesis/Project topic... too bad I like 18 year olds better than old people.