In Loving Memory

This post is not for anyone else. You can read it if you want, I don't care. This post is about getting into words all the thoughts that have been going through my head since early this afternoon. I can't say them out loud because it hurts too much.

To my RMP girls.... sorry. No post. It was in the plans for this afternoon but life has a way of throwing plans out the window.

My brother died today. I don't know how to exist in a world without him. As much as he teased me when we were little, he was my hero. And I love him. And the past 5 or so years, he's been a better friend than almost everyone else. I don't know how to exist with out him in my life. He's my big brother.

It was a car accident in the early hours of the morning. The police told my parents he died on impact and that's better because he didn't suffer any. Its funny how people think that. I use to think that too. Its not better. It doesn't make anything better at all. Trust me. Its not ok. Don't say it to anyone ever. It won't help. It makes things worse.

I can't quite figure out how the world is still turning. It shouldn't be.

I keep having the stupidest thoughts go through my head. The same few: 1) when I get married 5 or 10 years from now, he's supposed to be there to walk my mom down the aisle. And 2) I don't know how Mom and Dad and Teri are going to survive thanksgiving since I'll still be here and he won't be there. And 3) I'm still hanging his stocking up at Christmas. I refuse to not.

And those 3 little letters people put next to the name of a friend who has died. I can't say or write them. They don't belong anywhere near his name. The just don't.

I'm angry but I don't know who or what to be angry with. It isn't fair. He was 25 and had just gotten a big promotion at work. He was planning to come visit me soon. Its not fair.

Every so often, I can't get my head around the concept. I just can't grasp it and so it doesn't exist. But then I catch hold again and start crying again.

To everyone that has called/texted/facebooked, thanks. I know I haven't answered much of it. I can't yet. The fact that you did helps me in a little way. I appreciate knowing that someone other than me thinks Bryan was something special. He totally was.

All prayers are greatly appreciated.

"And there is all this pressure cause everyone is hovering around me waiting for me to do something. Or say something, or flip out, or yell and cry some more and I'm happy to play my part. I'm happy to say the lines and do whatever it is that I'm supposed to be doing if it will make everyone feel more comfortable. But I don't- I don't know how to do this. I don't know how to be this person. I don't- I don't know who this person is."


In loving memory of Bryan Patrick Thies
4/16/84 - 10/4/09