Name Change

I changed the name of my blog. I liked the old name, except it made it sound like death is a good alternative. And that's not a thought I can really deal with right now. The new name comes from this song:



This is a song that I have loved for many years but seems to mean a whole lot more these days. The scene at 55 seconds is where I am at right now.

So many times in a day, people say things like "It killed me to do it" or "I just about died" etc. Every time someone brings up a word like death or dying in front of me, they hesitate briefly like they think they've said something terrible that will remind me of my brother. The thing is, Bryan's always on my mind, always a part of who I am. The grief feels like a water balloon sitting in my torso... some days it has a lot less water in it and others, it's full and heavy. Saying something about death doesn't make me suddenly remember Bryan, his death is always there in my mind. Everything I think about is in relation to Bry.

Today marked one month since he died and I can't quite comprehend that. I'm still feeling the same grief I was 4 weeks ago, and yet the days are passing, the world keeps spinning. I feel like its passing me by.

We made an object with Play-Doh in RMP 800 this week (My idea) that represented what we were feeling like at that point. The idea is that it was a form of Therapeutic Recreation (the discussion topic for that day) and that children have an easier time talking about an object than their own feelings.

I made a person, standing next to a line. On the other side of the line were a ton of smiling faces. My feeling for that moment? Apart. I feel apart. There's people keeping me company, I'm just experiencing life differently than everyone else right now.

I spent about an hour and a half at the beach today, wrapped up in my comforter. Being out there brought a little peace. I felt a little closer to God, a little less angry, and a little more confidant that we will get through this. I still miss my brother like crazy (right now I just want a hug from him), but I can be a little less angry today.